By Douglas Mills
Arising, abiding and cessation.
Before, during, after.
What, me do a three year retreat ?
How could I possibly do a three year retreat ?
How the hell can I stay in this three year retreat ?
When is this retreat ever gonna end ?
After I chuck a wobbler and run screaming out of the retreat boundary, can I come back ?
Oh, why, why didn’t I stay in retreat ? How can I get back into another three year retreat ?
Did a retreat actually unfold and I just happened to be there ?
Once a man, who was rumoured to have done some retreat, received the following email.
We are petitioning all retreatants to help us with our planning stage of the next retreat, blah, blah and so on and so forth. Please answer the questions authentically and return a.s.a.p. Otherwise, there will be severe and I mean severe, consequences.
Did you enjoy your retreat ?
Did you feel your retreat experience was worthwhile and verifiable ?
Can you explain the difference between Shamatha, Vipashyana and the coalescence of Shamatha and Vipashyana ?
If not, why not ?
Have you attained the first Bhumi yet ?
Can you remember why you did the retreat ?
How many fingers are there on your right hand ?
Can you find your left foot ?
Do you find yourself accidently revelling in the state where there is nothing left needing to be done ?
Who is the hero and who the anti hero in the book, ‘Winnie the Pooh does Big Ears’ ?
Please explain the difference between going to club med, being cast into a dark dungeon and forced to listen to Abba, be admitted into a mental hospital, being consigned to death row and your own retreat experience ?
Can you prove you would have done something more worthwhile with your life if you didn’t do retreat ?
Was doing retreat the most amazing, ineffable, paradoxical event of your entire life ?
Have you heard the joke about the retreat that started with twenty people and finished with twenty two ?
Which is your favourite of the following Buddhist pop tunes, compulsory listening on your retreat ?
Moov Dat Flor Skin Mar Far, subtitled Plaintive supplication to have my rug pulled,
Waz Alweighs Kry Inma Slip, subtitled Genuine heart of sadness blues,
Mar Dumb Fah Koola Yuz Rana Way subtitled My idiot compassion smells better than your definite emergence from samsara or Guru Smuru Ar Juz Wana Du Yu, subtitled Sexual Projection Detection ?
When you find yourself plummeting into the depths of Vajra Hell, do you have irreversible, inconvertible faith and devotion that your Guru will effortlessly reach down and pluck you out with his little finger ?
Which of the following books on the compulsory reading list did you find most helpful in retreat ?
Vajradhara is actually a woman by Lama Feminus Extremus,
Vajravarahi ain’t got nothing on me by Lama Bhagus Portcullis Fangus,
Tantra don’t have nothing to do with sex by Lama Organus Maximus or
How to get recognised as a reincarnate Tulku by Lama Penus Insignificus Tiewanus.
Do you find these questions boring ?
Answer Yes, No or Other.
Note : Please do not get someone else to fill in these questions for you.
Once there was a man who aspired to do three year retreat. He tentatively made some enquiries with a man who had done more than five years. ‘Oh, it took me more than five years to come back to earth, to feel my feet solidly on the ground again, you know what I mean. So if you are thinking about doing it, then think well on it, my friend.’ Later, the man requested a divination from his Guru as to whether he should do a particular retreat, starting at a particular time, in a particular location. ‘ If you don’t do this now, perhaps the interdependent causes and conditions will not arise again in this lifetime.’ Choice. There is no choice.
Choice is an effervescent, nebulous matrix of apparent possibilities.
Once there was a man who received advice from all his Gurus on how he should readjust into the world after a three year retreat. The student listened attentively to their instructions and tried his best to apply them in a simple, real way. However he found himself stumbling around in the world again, unable to do even simple stuff like speak, without really preparing what was gonna come out of his mouth. He walked into walls and kept trying to open doors the wrong way. He also noticed that the labelling of subject and object had become a real chore for him. Bit of a worry, he thought, ever so slowly. So one day he went to see his best friend, an eminently compassionate man, who, as it turned out, had had a particularly eventful life and had ended up doing serious hard time in gaol. His captors had taken a real dislike to his free spirit so they rewarded him with two thirty day stints in solitary confinement back to back, sixty days total sensory deprivation, no light and so forth. Now as you may imagine, this experience had left an indelible impression on the man. On listening to the perplexed consternations of the Buddhist retreatant on matters such as an inability to function in the world stemming from a basic lack of self confidence and other juicy morsels of self indulgence, he wryly smiled and replied. ‘ What did I do to cope, you ask ? Well, I simply retaught myself how to perceive the world and its’ objects. It took a while, you know. You get the hang of it after a while.’
One Guru, when asked what was the benefit of doing three year retreat answered the question by saying, ‘Well, if I ever get put in gaol, at least I will know what to do.’ Good advice? No, great advice.
Once there was a man, rumoured to have done a three year retreat, who was asked by his Guru to ask another man, also rumoured to have done a three year retreat, whether he had actually done said retreat. The questioned man was indignant and said that of course he had. He then asked the questioner, ‘ Did you do a three year retreat ?’
This prompts the enquirer with such leading questions as, ‘ Why is it that some, rumoured to have done a three year retreat, never mention it, hide it, deny it and change the subject at the drop of a hat, if given the chance ?
Why is it that others wear it like a Victoria Cross on their carefully polished Buddhist chest of medals and pull rank at the first opportunity they have in dubious social situations where they kinda look quasi compassionately at others and smirk knowingly in a way that makes you want to put your fingers down your throat and be sick.
Once there was a man who thought that he had really made a total mess of his three year retreat and needed to do another one as soon as possible. This time, of course, it would be different and he would do it ‘properly’. He approached another man for whom he had so much respect and devotion who had been placed in his three year retreat in an advisory capacity after doing his own retreat in a far, distant land. This man was so humble, yet overflowed with an authentic realisation of the dharma that manifested as an awesome devotion to his Guru. He was so kind, generous and humorous that the retreatant just had to ask him about his experiences in that other remote realm. ‘Oh, actually, sometimes it seems like I never even did a retreat. It all seems so dream like now.’
Once, a Guru came to visit a three year retreat one year after it had started. He said to the retreatant, ‘ Don’t worry, I have just decided to put you into retreat for life.’ The retreatant went into an extreme panic attack response so he could no longer formulate any kind of pathetic, wining questions or requests.
The next year the Guru returned to cheer up the retreatant by changing the formulation slightly, ’Don’t worry, now I have decided you only need do another five years of retreat after you have completed this one.’ The retreatant was overjoyed and returned to his meditations, but after he had thought about this so called, great offer a little bit, his mind continuum took another unforseen pathway resulting in unbounded confusion.
The final year of the retreat, the Guru returned, smiling and joking. ’ No, I never said anything about you doing more retreat, you need to go out into the world and metabolise what you have been aspiring to practice.’ ‘But Rinpoche,’ the student retorted. ‘ I would really like to stay on here and do some more retreat. I finally think I have had a glimpse of something meaningful and maybe I could make my life fruitful.’ ’ Get in the car, you are leaving now.’
Once there was a man who found his guru yoga practice in the lyrics of a country song.
‘Out on this road that lies before me now, there are some turns where I will spin,
I only hope your love will find me there and hold me, until I gain control again.
‘
This was revealed from its’ place of concealment within the widget of an imported can of Guinness
by the treasure revealer Kookaburra Lingpa.
Reading this, you will know if your bullshit detector is turned on. Check out : arwannabeatulku@poohseawipt.org
UNSEALED AS MEANINGLESS UNSEALED AS SUPERFICIAL UNSEALED AS PUBLIC SLARNCHA
Translated from the Aramaic by the Reverend Dubious Snoteater.
Disclaimer :
Gentle Voice completely disavows any knowledge of any of the events referred to in this article and strongly recommends that the reader take the whole thing like a pinch of salt.
All events are fictional and any resemblance of the characters mentioned herein to any Guru or disciple living or dead is purely an adventitious defilement.
One of the many faces of Douglas Mills Photo Jasmine Singh
